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| Let's help Pedro - Bad jokes Day Guenter in Ontario - Friday, 18 May, 2012, at 9:45:49 am |
| Re: Let's help Pedro - Bad jokes Day db997S - Friday, 18 May, 2012, at 10:47:57 am |
KevinR-MedinaOhio - Friday, 18 May, 2012, at 10:59:28 am |
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
How can you tell if a groom is Polish?
He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.
Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts!
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
When you leave school, you should become a bone specialist.
You've certainly got the head for it.
How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.
A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him
What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Did you hear about the Olympic Gold Medal winner from Canada?
He loved his medal so much he had it bronzed.
Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 and 10...
What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish
Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.
What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.
What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
Take me to your weeder!
Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.
What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.
What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It is two tired.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Where did they first make French Fries?
In grease.
What happened to the butcher when he backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out Tide.
What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderware!
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!
What do you call a midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
I wanna get a head!
Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?
One was a-salted.
Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!
Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!
What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!
Where do you find a legless turtle?
Right where you left him!
What do you call a bee that produces milk?
Boobee
When do you have the right to scold your coffee?
When you have more than sufficient grounds.
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
What do you call a fly without wings or legs?
A roll.
Why didn't Cuba have a team in the Olympics?
Because, any Cuban that can run, jump, or swim already lives in America.
Driving a new-to-me '09S in Aqua Blue Metallic. It does .5 past light speed. I made the Kessel run in less than 12-parsecs.
Motto: If you have your top up, that storm outside had better have a name!
Motto 2: Having the top up on a convertible is an oxymoron. Don't be a (oxy)moron.
Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
How can you tell if a groom is Polish?
He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.
Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts!
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
When you leave school, you should become a bone specialist.
You've certainly got the head for it.
How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.
A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him
What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Did you hear about the Olympic Gold Medal winner from Canada?
He loved his medal so much he had it bronzed.
Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 and 10...
What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish
Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.
What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.
What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
Take me to your weeder!
Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.
What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.
What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It is two tired.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Where did they first make French Fries?
In grease.
What happened to the butcher when he backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out Tide.
What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderware!
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!
What do you call a midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
I wanna get a head!
Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?
One was a-salted.
Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!
Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!
What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!
Where do you find a legless turtle?
Right where you left him!
What do you call a bee that produces milk?
Boobee
When do you have the right to scold your coffee?
When you have more than sufficient grounds.
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
What do you call a fly without wings or legs?
A roll.
Why didn't Cuba have a team in the Olympics?
Because, any Cuban that can run, jump, or swim already lives in America.
Driving a new-to-me '09S in Aqua Blue Metallic. It does .5 past light speed. I made the Kessel run in less than 12-parsecs.
Motto: If you have your top up, that storm outside had better have a name!
Motto 2: Having the top up on a convertible is an oxymoron. Don't be a (oxy)moron.
| If a man is alone in the woods..... Bruce In Philly (2000 S Boxster, now '09 C2S) - Friday, 18 May, 2012, at 11:50:53 am |
Ed fromTampa ( formerly Long Island) - Saturday, 19 May, 2012, at 7:44:59 am |
Gary in SoFL - Friday, 18 May, 2012, at 12:21:51 pm |
The local police at BRBS couldn't afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down - Old People's Home. - It had no effect on any Boxsters.
Next, decided to play on the paternal instincts of the many "mature" Boxster owners, and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play. The result was no discernible reduction in Boxster speed.
Then the police chief had a new idea, and suggested they try a sign saying:
Nudist Colony. As a result, Boxsters now crawl thought the mountains of NC.
Slow down - Old People's Home. - It had no effect on any Boxsters.
Next, decided to play on the paternal instincts of the many "mature" Boxster owners, and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play. The result was no discernible reduction in Boxster speed.
Then the police chief had a new idea, and suggested they try a sign saying:
Nudist Colony. As a result, Boxsters now crawl thought the mountains of NC.
| Been saving these... MarcW - Friday, 18 May, 2012, at 1:39:19 pm |
A Porsche driver, a Mercedes driver and a Toyota driver walk into a bar. Well, the Porsche and Mercedes drivers walk into the bar. The Toyota driver crashes on the way to the bar.
Who's there?
Porsche.
Yeah, I know you standing onna the porcha, but whatsa your name?
How many Porsche owners does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know but change "light bulb" to "IMS" and ask again.
Three Porsche drivers walk into a bar.
Their cars are in the shop.
Manual or tip?
Manual. Porsche owners don't tip.
What do you get if you let a Taliban suicide bomber drive your Boxster for year?
Even odds the engine will blow up before the driver.
A particularly sinful person dies and shortly after appears before St. Peter. St. Peter shuffles some papers and with a frown of displeasure on his face looks down at the person and says, "I see you have been very sinful. It doesn't look good for you. Heaven has no room for people who engage in the kind of behavior you have. You are better suited to spend eternity in Hell. But before I send you there, do you have anything to say for yourself?"
"But St. Peter", the person cries out, "I drive a Boxster."
"Come into Heaven and weclome", says St. Peter. "You've spent enough time in Hell."
A man spots a beautiful woman in a bar. He makes eye contact with her and senses immediately there is some attraction to him on the woman's part. He walks over to the woman and introduces himself. With an enticing smile the woman responds with her name. Further pleasantries are exchanged, some small talk engaged in which progresses in a very exciting fashion. The man begins to feel some stirrings of passion and desire for the woman and senses she has similar feelings for him and begins to dare anticipate where this might lead. During a break in the conversation the man says "I just bought a new Porsche". Without any warning the woman slaps him hard on the side of his face then abruptly turns and walks away. "What was that for?" the man call out to her. "To let you know what your car's first service bill will feel like".
Three Porsche drivers walk into a bar.
Their cars are *still* in the shop.
Not a knock knock joke. Just my Porsche's engine.
A man encounters an acquaintance. The acquaintance is crying like a baby.
"What's the matter?"
"My.. my wife..Oh my wife."
"Your wife? Is she sick?"
"...No."
"Is... is she dead?".
"No."
"Well then what's the matter with your wife?"
"She left me. She wants a divorce!"
"Oh that's too bad. You obviously love your wife very much."
"No I hate her and she hates me."
"Then why are you crying?"
"She left me and didn't take the Porsche!"
What's the difference between a Taliban suicide bomber and a Porsche Boxster engine?
The Taliban suicide bomber might not blow up.
A man is at the bar and a beautiful woman moves to stool next to his and sits down and introduces herself. The man a bit caught off guard initially by the woman's striking beauty and her forwardness quickly recovers and introduces himself.
Pleasant small talk follows and of course drinks are ordered and consumed.
More drinks are ordered and consumed.
During a small and not at all awkward break in the conversation the man making conversation mentions he owns a Porsche.
Oooo, the woman cooes in a sexy suggestive voice, I just love Porsches.
Do you want to go for a ride in one?
Oh I'd _love_ to.
Ok then says the man, let's go.
The man and woman get up and walking very close together make their way out of the bar and to his Porsche.
Just as the man makes a gentlemanly gesture of opening the passenger door the woman stops him and suggests instead of a drive they retire to her apartment close by.
Ok quickly agrees the man.
At the apartment and once inside the man and woman hungrily fall into each others' arms. Much kissing and embracing ensue. This progresses to mild foreplay. The woman does not object and makes it clear she's as willing as the man is for this to go further.
The man goes further.
Suddenly he goes far enough to realize the woman is a man and jumps back with the exclamation, You're a man!
Yes, comes the admission. I misled you. I'm really a man dressed as woman. I suppose now you'll want to leave?
The man hesitates.
Oh, I don't know says the man. Do you really like Porsches?
Three Porsche owners walk into a bar.
Oh, you know.
Sincerely,
MarcW.
Who's there?
Porsche.
Yeah, I know you standing onna the porcha, but whatsa your name?
How many Porsche owners does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know but change "light bulb" to "IMS" and ask again.
Three Porsche drivers walk into a bar.
Their cars are in the shop.
Manual or tip?
Manual. Porsche owners don't tip.
What do you get if you let a Taliban suicide bomber drive your Boxster for year?
Even odds the engine will blow up before the driver.
A particularly sinful person dies and shortly after appears before St. Peter. St. Peter shuffles some papers and with a frown of displeasure on his face looks down at the person and says, "I see you have been very sinful. It doesn't look good for you. Heaven has no room for people who engage in the kind of behavior you have. You are better suited to spend eternity in Hell. But before I send you there, do you have anything to say for yourself?"
"But St. Peter", the person cries out, "I drive a Boxster."
"Come into Heaven and weclome", says St. Peter. "You've spent enough time in Hell."
A man spots a beautiful woman in a bar. He makes eye contact with her and senses immediately there is some attraction to him on the woman's part. He walks over to the woman and introduces himself. With an enticing smile the woman responds with her name. Further pleasantries are exchanged, some small talk engaged in which progresses in a very exciting fashion. The man begins to feel some stirrings of passion and desire for the woman and senses she has similar feelings for him and begins to dare anticipate where this might lead. During a break in the conversation the man says "I just bought a new Porsche". Without any warning the woman slaps him hard on the side of his face then abruptly turns and walks away. "What was that for?" the man call out to her. "To let you know what your car's first service bill will feel like".
Three Porsche drivers walk into a bar.
Their cars are *still* in the shop.
Not a knock knock joke. Just my Porsche's engine.
A man encounters an acquaintance. The acquaintance is crying like a baby.
"What's the matter?"
"My.. my wife..Oh my wife."
"Your wife? Is she sick?"
"...No."
"Is... is she dead?".
"No."
"Well then what's the matter with your wife?"
"She left me. She wants a divorce!"
"Oh that's too bad. You obviously love your wife very much."
"No I hate her and she hates me."
"Then why are you crying?"
"She left me and didn't take the Porsche!"
What's the difference between a Taliban suicide bomber and a Porsche Boxster engine?
The Taliban suicide bomber might not blow up.
A man is at the bar and a beautiful woman moves to stool next to his and sits down and introduces herself. The man a bit caught off guard initially by the woman's striking beauty and her forwardness quickly recovers and introduces himself.
Pleasant small talk follows and of course drinks are ordered and consumed.
More drinks are ordered and consumed.
During a small and not at all awkward break in the conversation the man making conversation mentions he owns a Porsche.
Oooo, the woman cooes in a sexy suggestive voice, I just love Porsches.
Do you want to go for a ride in one?
Oh I'd _love_ to.
Ok then says the man, let's go.
The man and woman get up and walking very close together make their way out of the bar and to his Porsche.
Just as the man makes a gentlemanly gesture of opening the passenger door the woman stops him and suggests instead of a drive they retire to her apartment close by.
Ok quickly agrees the man.
At the apartment and once inside the man and woman hungrily fall into each others' arms. Much kissing and embracing ensue. This progresses to mild foreplay. The woman does not object and makes it clear she's as willing as the man is for this to go further.
The man goes further.
Suddenly he goes far enough to realize the woman is a man and jumps back with the exclamation, You're a man!
Yes, comes the admission. I misled you. I'm really a man dressed as woman. I suppose now you'll want to leave?
The man hesitates.
Oh, I don't know says the man. Do you really like Porsches?
Three Porsche owners walk into a bar.
Oh, you know.
Sincerely,
MarcW.
Harvey in FL - Friday, 18 May, 2012, at 8:38:25 pm |
What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
A blonde woman was driving a Porsche. She saw another blonde woman with a Porsche that had stopped on the side of the road. She stopped to ask what's wrong. The owner of the broken Porsche said, "I just checked under the hood and apparently someone stole my engine."
"No problem" the other blonde said, "I have a spare one in my trunk!"
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/18/2012 08:40PM by Harvey in FL. (view changes)
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
A blonde woman was driving a Porsche. She saw another blonde woman with a Porsche that had stopped on the side of the road. She stopped to ask what's wrong. The owner of the broken Porsche said, "I just checked under the hood and apparently someone stole my engine."
"No problem" the other blonde said, "I have a spare one in my trunk!"
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/18/2012 08:40PM by Harvey in FL. (view changes)
| Re: Let's help Pedro - Bad jokes Day dghii - Friday, 18 May, 2012, at 11:19:43 pm |
| Re: Let's help Pedro - Bad jokes Day dghii - Friday, 18 May, 2012, at 11:27:42 pm |
Ok, this if from an internet search but is pretty cool...A shepherd was looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a young man dressed in an Armani suit, Ray Bans, Rolex watch, White Cerutti shoes, tailor-made mauve shirt, with a Boss tie.
He gets out and asks the shepherd 'If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?'
The shepherd looks at the large flock of sheep and says 'Okay'.
The young man connects his laptop to his mobile phone/fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using his GPS, opens the database linked to 60 Excel tables, filled with logarithms and pivot tables, and then prints out a 150 page report on his high tech mini printer. He studies the reports and says to the shepherd 'You have 1586 sheep'.
The shepherd replies, 'That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock.'
The young man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts one into the boot of the Porsche.
As he is about to leave, the Shepherd says, 'If I can guess what your profession is will you return the animal to me?'
The young man thinks for a minute and says 'Okay'.
The shepherd says 'You are a Management Consultant'.
The young man says 'Correct, how did you know?'
The Shepherd replied, 'Simple. First you came here without being invited. Second you charge me a fee for something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about my business. - Now, can I have my dog back?'
dghii
2000 Boxster S 6speed 112k miles
He gets out and asks the shepherd 'If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?'
The shepherd looks at the large flock of sheep and says 'Okay'.
The young man connects his laptop to his mobile phone/fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using his GPS, opens the database linked to 60 Excel tables, filled with logarithms and pivot tables, and then prints out a 150 page report on his high tech mini printer. He studies the reports and says to the shepherd 'You have 1586 sheep'.
The shepherd replies, 'That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock.'
The young man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts one into the boot of the Porsche.
As he is about to leave, the Shepherd says, 'If I can guess what your profession is will you return the animal to me?'
The young man thinks for a minute and says 'Okay'.
The shepherd says 'You are a Management Consultant'.
The young man says 'Correct, how did you know?'
The Shepherd replied, 'Simple. First you came here without being invited. Second you charge me a fee for something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about my business. - Now, can I have my dog back?'
dghii
2000 Boxster S 6speed 112k miles
| Re: Let's help Pedro - Bad jokes Day San Rensho - Saturday, 19 May, 2012, at 9:56:57 pm |
Boxsterra - Tuesday, 22 May, 2012, at 12:25:06 am |
 LOL.... Gary in SoFL - Tuesday, 22 May, 2012, at 2:24:11 am |
| Funny! But....... Bruce In Philly (2000 S Boxster, now '09 C2S) - Tuesday, 22 May, 2012, at 2:50:47 pm |
Gary in SoFL - Tuesday, 22 May, 2012, at 7:44:43 pm |
Laz - Tuesday, 22 May, 2012, at 8:59:23 pm |
| Re: Let's help Pedro - Bad jokes Day hoppy44 - Tuesday, 22 May, 2012, at 5:38:53 pm |
There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's Porsche and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his manhood and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his manhood and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks.
| Wouldn't that be 'stallionhood'? *NM* Roger987 - Thursday, 24 May, 2012, at 12:01:46 am |
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